FINALLY, I had a weekend to reflect. To think. To sit. To walk. To breathe. To live. To just be in touch with myself.
Between the beach and the overdose of family bonding time, I achieved it. But I did lose my Ray Ban aviators at the mall earlier in the day Friday and teared up. That’s how I knew something was actually wrong.
It isn’t like me to let things bother me so much. I keep a weekly to-do list and some days, I have a daily list. Errands, chores, work, etc. – I’m on top of everything. For some reason, I just haven’t had such a tight grasp and I could feel things slipping away.
So, today is a new week. Last night when I got home, I edited the articles I needed. I wrote up a new weekly list today. I have a lot going on and I feel more capable to handle it.
Believe it or not, I even deleted tinder. It’s way too overwhelming. And honestly, I have hardly any time to hang out with my friends, how am I supposed to make time for strangers? Weirdly enough, it helped.
Bring it on, new week. I’m ready for you.
Sidenote: I was a little sad that I didn’t have a boyfriend while at dinner with my brother and his wife. But, I think that is normal.
NEW WORD ALERT: Snice – ‘so nice’. Wow, that girl is snice.
Well, well, well.
Today cannot possibly be as miserable as yesterday.
I put myself on the line, I am told by an ex to kill myself.
Another ex was supposed to mail me a check and sent me a free giveaway prize – overnighted.
Can you see now why I wanted to ‘cut the fat’? All of this stupid, petty nonsense is stressing me out. I have no idea how other peoples’ minds work and I’m not even trying to find out. I know that I do what I want. But it just seems I cannot escape madness and psycho personalities wherever I go. Between the hundreds of things going on in my life, I actually don’t even have time for Netflix anymore, which is kind of sad. All I want to do is relax.
I also can’t seem to figure out why I’ve been giving my time to people that aren’t worth it, yet I have so much going on. It’s like I’m having a hard time making myself a priority in my life. Yet, whenever I am in a relationship, I always put myself first and it turns into a problem.
Catch-22? I think so…..
Well it’s been almost a month since this ‘recovery/soul-searching’ journey has begun and I can’t help but reflect.
I feel lighter. Well, granted I’m still recovering from the hangover from hell from Atlantic City, but other than that. I feel more self-aware. Ugh, does that mean I’m getting old?! Kidding.
I’m getting in touch more with my personality, my hobbies, my interests. I’m not afraid of what to say or how to say it. I’m not rude, I’m driven. I’m really embracing the whole concept of friends and family and unconditional love.
I’m banning negativity from my life. I know life isn’t always sunshine and flowers, but you get what you give. I regret a few relationships in my past and anytime I have ever compromised myself for someone else. No more.
When I was little, I hated Tuesdays. Every Tuesday involved dancing school for about as long as I can remember. It wasn’t horrible, it’s not like I was getting my teeth pulled. But at the same time, it was something I was pressured into. I started out loving it, but it grew into a more serious game that I just wasn’t ready to play. I would beg my mom to let me stay home. I’m pretty sure I maxed out my absences.
However, at age 25, Tuesdays are just dull. They’re long and just nothing to look forward to. Sure it’s not Monday, but it’s not hump day, it’s not the day before Friday and it sure as hell is not Friday. I tutor on Tuesday night for high school drop outs to get their GED. But the 1.5 hour drive from work to tutoring is beyond dreadful. If I do it again, I will probably try to find something closer to work.
Last night, I actually slept after work and woke myself up after a strange dream around 8:45. I hate napping after work, throws my whole day off and the next day, I’m staring at a to do list with NOTHING done. And I sit and dwell and it just aggravates me.
In other news, I lost 2lbs.
I don’t know where I’m going with this. Just felt the need to rant.
Life lesson – Tuesdays suck.
I’m not really too sure what to write about today.
I feel more confident in my life than the last two weeks. I still feel a little overwhelmed and not as efficient as I can be. But I think given the nonstop life I’ve been living lately, it’s normal.
This could be one of the most important weekends of my life. Tonight, especially. I just need to get off my ass and finally hit the ground running. But I know it’s only 2:35 here and I have literally until I fall asleep around midnight to get my butt in gear.
Also, I plan to take a run. Gotta shed these extra lbs that have recently snuck on.
If I come up with anything else to share, I’ll mention it. But otherwise, life is good, life is filling and it’s steady. Oh normalcy, how I have missed thee.
The topic of smartphones. Oh boy, where do to begin?!
We love our smart phones. In fact, I have two. One for life, one for work. Guess what? They intermingle. When one dies, I use the other to pick up the slack.
I read the news, I tweet, I ‘like’, I post, I comment, I play – you get the idea. But if you couldn’t already guess, I am a HUGE texter. And not just huge, but ENORMOUS. I text everyone. I am that person who rejects calls and will text you within 2 seconds saying “what’s up?” I never thought it was an issue. That’s just who I am. Don’t like it, leave it.
Then it hit me. I might actually have a problem with it. When I’m sneaking peeks at my phone during a date or trying to cover up under the dinner table with family, it hit me. I am obsessed with my phone. Snapchat, FB, instagram, texting…everything.
I compulsively check my phone. Like I’m tapping that home button once every four minutes. Without even realizing it. There is a world out there. AND I’m a busy person. I’m not just sitting around twiddling my thumbs. I have so much shit going on that it’s so embarrassing to confess my problem.
I need to consciously approach this unfortunate issue. When I come back from lunch, I am going to try 30 minute intervals. NOTHING ELSE. I know this is like pathetic, but at the same time, I need to do something. Wondering why people aren’t talking to me even though I really don’t care or I know they are busy, is a waste of my brain power.
Time to get more involved in my life. Time to pump the communication brakes and detach from my iPhone. I got this.
Life lesson – Stop and smell the roses. And stay strong, amigos.
A wise friend of mine, who also doubles as one of the strongest woman I know, explained the concept of CTF – cut the fat.
Basically, it’s hard to X people from your life. But how can you move on to your future, if a part of you, even if it’s teeny tiny, is still holding on to the past? So, guess what I did? I cut the fat.
I eliminated ex-boyfriends, old friends, junk from my work desk and when I get home, I’ll get rid of junk there too. No sense in dwelling. We need to have the confidence to know that the past is the past and things can only get better. Or even if they get worse, they’re still different.
If things in my past weren’t so negative, I wouldn’t have to cut the fat. But I do. So I did. I even reminded someone of his boundaries – friends only and what that means. We need to start living life the way we want to, not how other people want us to live it.
It’s not easy. It’s so comfortable clinging on to our ex boyfriends, friends and family. They know us. They know how we act. They are used to caring for us and us them. But it’s time to make new connections. New friends. New lovers. Reconnect with family who doesn’t treat you bad.
We’re in this together, ladies. Snip, snip.
PS – My sincerest apologies for the lack of posting over the holiday weekend. After day drinking with a few friends and a spontaneous trip to the Hamptons, I didn’t have a moment to breathe. But I’m all about saying yes. Yes to life. Yes to new opportunities. Yes to new beginnings.
FYI – I love Southampton. And I am itching to take a solo vacation.